GREATEST THREEQUELS

Well, I was going to broach sequels this week but I have ADHD and, at the last second, decided to go in another direction. I decided why not take a look at a much stranger animal… the Threequel.

NOTE: For our purposes here, Threequel will refer to the third movie in a series and may or may not have “Part 3” in the title.

Threequels are very interesting in that if a 3rd movie in a series is being put out, chances are it’s based on a very popular property. Chances are also good that you were very excited to see it. And, of course, chances are Part 3 just wasn’t that good. See, Threequels are typically just formulaic concoctions, featuring characters you know and love, designed to suck out everything else that drew you to a franchise in the first place. However, they can also be something else. They can also redeem a series of films that lost their way on the always difficult Part 2. While this is rare, it does happen. And I thought it’d be interesting to look at some of the films that got it right. So, away we go, as I present you with this week’s list: GREATEST THREEQUELS.

SIDENOTE: Before starting, I should state that I still haven’t seen the LOTR trilogy so Return of the King will not be on this list. Also, I’m not going to get too obscure with this one. While a film like Lady Vengeance may make my personal list, I’m going to keep these relevant on a broader scale!

Let’s start with some honorable mentions (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)…

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

STAR WARS – EPISODE 3: REVENGE OF THE SITH.

“I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi.” – Mace Windu

All right… there are 2 types of Star Wars Fanboys. I’m the type that would rather have more Star Wars movies than nothing at all. True, many observed the prequels to be somewhat of a let down. I believe, when life gives you lemons, you make a drink! Sure, these films did not have the cultural impact of the first, or is it the second, trilogy. However, I feel like they got progressively better. And while Hayden Christensen’s acting was difficult to bare and the love story was a bit mushy, the film still paid off with a great look at what turned Anakin into Darth Vader!

BACK TO THE FUTURE 3.

“Are you in there, Eastwood? It’s eight o’clock, and I’m callin’ you out!” – Buford “Mad Dog” Tanner

Let’s face it… all 3 Back to the Future films are basically the same story told in a different time and location. If you like the first one, which everyone does, you like the 3rd one. Sure, the first one’s the best but as far as Threequels go, this one’s not too shabby.

MATRIX: REVOLUTIONS.

“The program Smith has grown beyond your control. Soon he will spread through this city, as he spread through the matrix. You cannot stop him. But I can.” – Neo

Why this film gets a bad rap is beyond me. My guess is people couldn’t get the taste of Reloaded out of their mouths. Sure, the ending, with Neo dying in a Christ-like fashion to save the whole of mankind, was a bit of a bummer. And no fan wants to see hot little Trinity, with her patten leather outfit gripping the perfect curves of her body due to the sweat glistening on her skin just below, be impaled and die. She just got to see the sun for Chrissakes! Come on, people. Still, the ultimate showdown with Agent Smith in a world he came to dominate was fulfilling. And the showdown with the Sentinels for Zion rocked. Four words: Apu Mifune’s last stand! In the end, I say, “Good job… Mr. Anderson.”

THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM.

“This is Jason Bourne, the toughest target that you have ever tracked. He is really good at staying alive, and trying to kill him and failing… just pisses him off.” – Pamela Landy

I may actually get crap for this one, as critics and film geeks everywhere seemed to love this flick. I’ll just say this… Ultimatum is not as good as everyone says. It is not the best film in this trilogy. It’s not even the best Bourne film directed by Paul Greengrass. However, it is a very good film and as far as Threequels go, it’s a cut above. Unfortunately, all I can give it is an Honorable Mention.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3.

“The Rabbit’s Foot, where is it?” – Owen Davian

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to realize how awesome MI:3 was. God bless, J.J. Abrams, Ladies and Germans. He single handedly revived this franchise after John Woo suffocated it, dismembered it, made fun of it’s mother and dumped it in the ocean. You have to remember where Tom Cruise was at in his career when this film came out too. He wasn’t “Top Gun” Tom that we all know and love dancing around in his skivvies to Bob Seger classics. This was “Scientology” Cruise, arguing with Matt Lauer and jumping on couches. Still, it didn’t matter because Abrams saved the day. The story is so good that you don’t even realize that you never even see, or know, what the Rabbit Foot (the object of everyone in the film’s attention) is. And respect to the casting of a good actor (Phillip Seymore Hoffman) in the role of a diabolical villain who will compromise his lack of morals for nothing. Wanted so bad to put this on THE LIST but it just missed out!

And now, without further ado, I present you with:

TOP 5 GREATEST THREEQUELS:

5. NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION.

“Can’t see the lines can you, Rust? RUST!” – Clark W. Grizzwald

I understand why some people don’t get the likes of a Chevy Chase or Bill Murray. Dry humor isn’t for everyone… especially people with low IQ’s. I, however, am not one of those people. Chase was born to play Fletch and Clark Grizzwald, who are basically the same type of character only one (Fletch) is cool and the other (Grizzwald) is completely inept. As far as Vacation movies go, they are very similar to Back to the Future in that they repeat the same formula. The difference is, with Christmas, they come as close as is humanly possible to matching the pure genius that was the Grizzwald cross country trip to Wallyworld. European Vacation proved that formula isn’t everything… and that “everything” is apparent in this flick! 

4. STAR WARS – EPISODE 6: RETURN OF THE JEDI.

“Boba Fett? Boba Fett? Where?” – Han Solo

Wait a minute… Return of the Jedi only comes in at #4 on my list. I know, right? Sorry, Fanboys, but the fact of the matter is that Star Wars and Empire are so good that Return of the Jedi really just holds serve. However, it does make #4 on it’s own merit. Sure there were Muppets but think of everything this film had to offer: Slave Leia (the pic says it all) turns out to be Luke’s sister (making a once beautiful kiss now strange and incestual), Han is freed from Carbonite (his breath must’ve stunk), Luke turns Vader away from the Darkside (who knew he was so fugly under that mask), Ewoks (cute mini-Wookies that defeat Imperial forces with Guerilla tactics), Scout Troopers (whose Speeder Bikes were the coolest Star Wars toy ever made), and Boba Fett meets his grisly demise (apparently eaten by a giant vagina with teeth in the sand). Hey… what else needs to be said!

3. ARMY OF DARKNESS.

 “Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick!” – Ash

Hey, who doesn’t love a protagonist who works at S-Mart and goes back in time to save a Kingdom from other worldly forces while wielding a chainsaw for an arm. This is the film that put Sam Raimi on the map and is, by far, the most entertaining in the Evil Dead trilogy. Too bad it didn’t do for Bruce Campbell what it did for Raimi cause I think he could’ve been one hell of a leading man. Still, we’ll always have this horror-comedy-cult classic!

2. THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY.

“You see, in this world there’s two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig.” – The Man With No Name

Doubt I have to argue this one too much. Quentin Tarantino actually called this his favorite film of all time. Look, the score is one of the most recognizable ever (Doo-Doo-Doo, Wah-Wah-Wah), Clint is bringing his “A” game as “The Man With No Name” (Dirty Harry’s got nothing on this guy… er, Man… with no name), and Sergio Leone delivers his best with, if not the best western, the best Italian Spaghetti western ever made.

1. INDIANA JONES & THE LAST CRUSADE.

“We named the dog Indiana.” – Prefessor Henry Jones

I really am hoping that someone argues this pick as #1 in the comments section below. I’ll just say this, for now: Last Crusade is the best Indiana Jones movie ever made. Don’t get me wrong… the first 10 minutes of Raiders is the best Indy ever shot. But, as far as movies go, Crusade is king. The funny thing is it could’ve really failed. Introducing Sean Connery as Indy’s Dad seems like a good move now, but sidekicks in the Indy-verse don’t always work out so well (just ask Mutt and Short-Round). I could go on and on about this film but I’ll save my ammunition for any detractors. However, to sum up, let’s say, “While Raiders may seem like the best Indy film, Crusade truly is the “cup of a carpenter.””

That’s it, friends and frenemies. Feel free to comment below, whether you agree or not. I never edit any of the comments… unless you send me Spam. But, hell, I even let some of those through. Remember, this was meant to be an interactive site, as much as I love the sound of my own voice. You can also sign up to get this blog via e-mail at the top of the page. And, as always, if you like this site, TELL A FRIEND!

Check back next Saturday as that is when new posts go up. Have a great week. Sincerely, your friendly neighborhood Kaiderman!

21 Responses to “GREATEST THREEQUELS”

  1. Dear God,
    What did Carrie Fisher do to you?
    Sincerely,
    KAIDERMAN

  2. Matthew roark Says:

    Everything is fine and dandy expect for one very big question. Why the hell have you deprived yourself not watching TLOTR! Come on fanboy what the hell, get your act together. I just hope your reason for not watch the ultimate triology is as good ad your reasons for your included picks.

  3. To have not seen LOTR is sinful Kai; it is much much more than 9 hours of people going for a walk. You should see it simply to witness Orlando Bloom at his most masculine, wearing a long, blonde wig and pointy ears. Plus, Aragorn is badass.

    As for the list, I love Star Wars, but I wouldn’t put Jedi in the top 5. Empire was so good (greatest Star Wars film ever; who knew superior military forces would be able to systematically hunt down and subdue smaller, less organized rebel forces? I guess the good guys don’t always win) Empire was so good, that Jedi just falters as the end of the series.

    And why didn’t you put “American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt” on the list? It is by far the most ninjaesque of the American Ninja movies

  4. Also, Army of Darkness doesn’t count as a threequel, since Evil Dead 2 was just a “re-imagining” of the first Evil Dead. Army of Darkness is more like a sequel. So I guess “American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt” can have the number 3 spot then.

  5. OK… first let me say, Star Wars will always be “The Trilogy”. That being said, I should have seen the LOTR trilogy by now. I was not introduced to the books as a kid and was not super excited about the films… aside from the fact that Peter Jackson was directing. I bought Fellowship and, to be honest, was really bores. So I gave up. I’m a sci-fi geek, not so much down with the fantasy. So, I make this promise… I have a Hollywood Video Diamond Pass. I will see all 3 in the next two weeks and post a revision if necessary!
    And, to my good friend Wes, Evil Dead 2 may be a re-imagining but it’s still a #2. Different enough to be it’s own thing. Just like Desperado was a re-imagining of El Mariachi… but I still consider Once Upon a Time in Mexico to be #3.

  6. Editing comments??? Absolutely fantastic idea!!!! 😉

    Ocean 13 might get some consideration at least for honorable mentions but in all very good list and I love your #1!

  7. Thanks, Castor! Love your site. Wish I knew how to add to my blogroll!

  8. there is way too much faboyism being sprayed around in these comments, but i’ll try to keep up…
    i object to your comments about people with low i.q.’s not appreciating the likes of a chevy chase or a bill murray…they make me nervous, and i’ll never be a fan.
    LOTR was lame…the first one was aight, but the first 10 minutes of the second was soooo confusing we lost interest…maybe the third would have redeemed the trilogy…but in the end, no amount of hot boy power could have saved it for me, and it had a lot!!
    the entire jedi write up is brilliant writing and i laughed my ass off!!! empire was obviously the best, but come on, we needed an entire movie just to get used to luke’s mangled face!! (i hope i got my sw facts straight!)
    and i’m really surprised in your choice of quotes for last crusade. you weren’t compelled to use, “the name of the true god is jehovah.”?
    wait, nevermind…
    love you, as always a brilliant read!!

  9. great post.
    – Revenge of the Sith is gunk. i enjoyed it at the cinema (twice!) but watching it again recently made me rethink my life. kind of like realising i used to think Family Guy was funny
    – thanks for ruining Matrix Revolutions for me. and i actually mean ‘thanks’ because i will never see this film, may as well know what happens at the end
    – back to the future 3 is arguably as good as the first one. okay, so that sentence is a load of crap, but its pretty enjoyable stuff
    – you dont need to see LotR 3, or 2 for that matter. just watch and enjoy the first one and then guess what happens after that
    – great first choice.

  10. Hilarious… finally someone is with me on LOTR. Sorry about Revolutions. Should’ve thrown a spoiler alert in there. Although, the ending is pretty ambiguous so I don’t know if I really ruined it.
    P.S. McG, I sent you an e-mail about contributing something on here. Sent it out to a few bloggers I like. Thought it would be cool to do something like you did for best picture. Check it out and let me know if you’re interested!

  11. I’m going to have to agree with Shirley on the “Star Wars” comments!! Vagina with teeth in the sand LOFL!!… and hell yeah they we’re the best toy(Speeder)! Now on to the LOTR..well just keep on walking! I’m sure the books were good, but for freak sake MY knees hurt from all the walking when I was done watching those! I thought it was a good call on “The Good Bad and The Ugly” even as a youth I understood that was a awesome movie and that it set the standard for westerns ! OK Now I can hardly wait to see the sequels you come with!!!!! And I better see some “Clerks 2” , “Kill Bill 2” and possible “Still Waiting”!

  12. I can honestly tell you, Nate… Still Waiting will not be on that list! 🙂 I know we love the original but Hell to the No!

  13. I feel that this is your worst list yet . . . up until now I have very much appreciated and respected your opinion of movies and etc etc. But seriously dude Terminator 3 was not the greatest thing ever made but it certainly beats a shit load of the shit you have listed on here. and on a side note . . . check out the following link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI it is part 1 of a 7 part review of The Phantom Menace, it is long, but I guarantee you that it will be the best star wars related thing you have seen in years.

    • First off, Sequoia… I miss you, brother. Second, I love you, man… but I take no offense because your whole argument is based on the credibility of T3. LOL!
      I will check out that link. Check back next week as I have some bloggers contributing to the piece and it should be fun!

  14. JonnyStabbins Says:

    Is there a difference between threequels, and trilogies? I think so.

  15. OK… did all 3 LOTR movies in 2 days. Including the extended version of Return of the King… 4 hours & 10 minutes… Ugh. Anyways, King was awesome and should be in my top 5. I’m willing to admit when something is good and it was good… 2 Towers sucked, by the way. However, Fellowship was better than I remembered. So, I’d put King in a tie for 4th on this list with Jedi. Christmas Vacation would be an honorable mention! Happy, Wes???

  16. I know everybody hated it but I liked Rocky III. So bad it was good. It had Hogan and Mr. T! “Predictions…Pain.” Clubber Lang

  17. Return has to be one of the worst endings ever. I mean if you leave out the teddy bears it’s okay, I don’t know why Lucas couldn’t focus on Wookies if he wanted fuzzy creatures.

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