HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

I’m sorry, my friends, but it is once again necessary for me to use this platform as a means of performing a public service. If there’s one thing hobos with signs in Hollywood movies have taught me it’s that THE END IS NEAR! How will it come? Asteroids, solar flares, biological terrorism, global deterioration, an act of God, Kanye West… these are all probable. However, I think we can all agree that our most imminent threat is that the undead will return to life and begin to feast on the flesh of the living. A.K.A. ZOMBIES!!!

Before I continue, I think you should know what my qualifications on this subject are. First off, I’ve seen just about every Zombie movie ever made (I’ve seen Dawn of the Dead 30 times alone), I read The Walking Dead, I own a red plaid shirt (that one’s for the Fanboys), I’ve read all the Marvel Zombies books, including the Army of Darkness crossovers, I once saw Simon Pegg (star of Shaun of the Dead) from 30 feet away at a bar in L.A., I’ve played Resident Evil and Left 4 Dead Parts 1 & 2, and I once woke up next to a young lady that, I swear to this day, looked herself to be one of the undead. What a night that was! Oh, and I am currently working on my AA at a local community college. Go Eagles! Needless to say, my credentials are impecable. But I am not the first to bring light to these urgent matters. I am merely adding bricks and mortar to a foundation put in place by the likes of George A. Romero, Max Brooks, Danny Boyle and many others. Now that credit has been given, let’s set the stage.

A Zombie situation can break out at any point in time. There’s no way of pinpointing where you’ll be or what you’re situation will be like. For our intents and purposes here, let’s assume reports are flooding in that the towns and cities surrounding your’s are being overrun by the undead. The threat is imminent and it’s only a matter of time before it makes it’s way to you. With that established, I present you with tips on HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.

1. KNOW YOUR ENEMY. Many things can cause people to become Zombies… a virus brought to Earth by astronauts, VooDoo, government testing. Regardless of the cause, all Zombies share certain characteristics. This we know from the few documented cases of Zombie outbreaks and it is something that you must know in order to survive. First off, Zombies are not human. They cannot be reasoned with and will not stop unless killed. Second, Zombies only want one thing… flesh! Third, infections are spread through bites so avoiding contact with a Zombie’s mouth is of the utmost importance. Finally, there’s only one way to kill a Zombie… damage to the brain. There are many ways to accomplish this as we’ll discuss later but first thing’s first…

2. FIND SHELTER. The next two words I cannot stress enough: Get Home! The majority of the masses will do one of two very stupid things. Most will take to the roads in an attempt to get out of the infected areas. It is too late for that. It is only a matter of time until there are even a very few mildly safe places to escape to. Traffic and congestion will be worse than it’s ever been. Panic will lead to accidents that will clog or bottleneck all roads. You’ll be stuck like a sitting duck. The rest of the majority will turn to what they view as safe havens like churches, schools, military bases and the like. This is a bad idea (See #3). This is the time to get safe and wait out the pandemonium. Get the ones you love, and maybe a few that you trust, and get to your home as quick as possible.

3. AVOID LARGE GROUPS OF PEOPLE. After being bitten, a person can go anywhere from seconds to hours (a day in a few rare documented cases) before completely turning, depending on the depth of the bite and it’s proximity to major arteries. In this hybernational stage, the victim can blend into groups as they seek out help. When they turn, all around them are potential for danger as an attack can lead to a new outbreak where thousands of people can become infected, even turn, within less than 30 minutes time. So, avoid people, get home and…

4. FORTIFY. Begin fortifying any possible entries into your home as soon as possible. Zombies are like insects… if there’s a way in, they’ll find it. So, be thorough but be quick. Barricading and boarding of entry points are the most popular routes to follow. Welding is suggested when applicable and available. In apartment buildings, these rules apply to main entries, windows and fire exits. Don’t try and be a perfectionist. Chances are Zombies will break through your first defenses. This is just a deterrent to buy time and allow you to prepare for the next 2 steps. Starting with…

5. TAKE INVENTORY. We will need to get together the items we need. Since time is of the essence collect items according to priority. Food and water are of the utmost importance. The body can go much longer without food than water. It’s been said that, unmanned, utilities can continue to run for some time. I’d hate to be in the middle of a Zombie apocalypse and find out this is false. So, begin by filling your bath tub with water. Followed by anything that can hold water as we have no way of knowing how long we will be holed up. Next, gather any food you can. Canned and pantry style foods are much better as they will not spoil. Once these are gathered, you may return for perishables, which should be eaten first before they spoil. Next, gather anything that can be used for defense. We’ll talk about weapons shortly. At this point, warm clothes, pillows and blankets would be the next logical step. Finally, any must have keepsakes, books and board games. While the Zombies are killing people, we will need to kill time. Be sparing with this last step as we want to move as light and quick as possible. And where do we take these items?

6. YOUR FORTRESS. Your fortress is basically like your panic room, where you and your group will hole up to wait out the melee. Note: If you actually have a panic room, use it! For those of you who live in two story homes or apartment buildings, move to the second story and barricade or destroy all staircases. You can move to a higher level but this could prove disastrous in an emergency if you need to get out. Most can sustain the fall from a second, possibly even third, story. If you live in a single story home, it is strongly recommended that you move to the attic and pull up the ladder. These aren’t the most comfortable accomodations but are the best for what you are trying to accomplish. In case of fire, or Zombie’s getting in, use something to puncture a hole through the roof for an emergency exit. Avoid places like basements and garages where you could get stuck with your back against the wall or attacked from both sides.

7. WEAPONS. Time to assemble your arsenal. Remember that almost anything can be used as a weapon. A metal lamp or simple tchotchkes can be used to bash in the head of the undead. Pens, screwdrivers or a broken broomstick can be jammed in the temple or through the eye socket for the same result. Guns are the most popular form of defense. However, with guns comes noise, which can attract large groups of roamers. So, use these sparingly. Shotguns are what most people will look for first as they have a large range for damage and take little skill to use effectively. However, I would advise against them as they need to be reloaded too frequently. The rifle is the best gun for plucking off Zombies long range if a large group is headed your way and you need to thin the numbers. Typical handguns, with 12+ round clips are probably your best choice. The are easier to handle, especially in tight scraps, reloading is quick and easy and the butt can be used for headbashing. Knives, swords, crowbars and small pipes are the best weapons to have on you at all times. Their damage capability and manueverability are unparralleled. They also allow for a silent kill which is important when trying to keep a low profile. Fire and Maltoff Cocktails are also an acceptable means of defense. However, they do not provide an instant kill and should never be used near your fortress. Also, if you do have access to a gun, always set aside one bullet for each member of your group… just in case!

8. PROTECT YOUR BODY. Remember… infection is spread through bites. Make sure you always wear multiple layers. Armor such as kevlar or gladiator, even a shark bite mesh, is preferable. Be careful that these protect you but do not limit your mobility, as fighting the Zombie off will ultimately be your only means of escape. Do whatever you can to protect your skin from being punctured.

9. DEVISE A PLAN. If you survive long enough, you are bound to run out of food and water. Hopefully, the armed forces will have the situation contained before it comes to this but, in the event that they don’t, it’s important to have a plan. You may need to find long term accomodations and rations. Regardless of what Hollywood has told you, avoid places like the mall that have too many entry points to securely and safely defend. Focus on stone/ brick buildings with minimal points of entry… something like a Costco. Prisons are nice as they are highly fortified and typically stocked full of food, water and artillery. Making your way out to places like the forest can also be a good idea. The forest offers nature’s fruits, running streams, animals that can sense pending danger and little to no human population. When you make your move, be smart, be quick and take the path of least resistance, avoiding clusters of people, alive or dead, at all costs.

10. CHECK EMOTION AT THE DOOR. If someone is bitten by a Zombie say in the arm, it was once believed that chopping off the arm could prevent the infection from spreading. Unfortunately, the heart pumps blood so fast through the body that the blow would have to be almost instantaneous. Since, dispersal of the attacking Zombie is top priority, this will no doubt prove impossible. If someone in your group is bitten… be it your mother, sister, daughter, husband, priest… they must be disposed of quickly. There is no saving them. It’s only a matter of time before they turn and want one thing… YOU… for dinner. You can be nice about it. Do it Of Mice and Men style as you tell them about the bunnies if you have to… but do it. And quickly.

11. REGROUP AND REPLENISH. Now comes the fun part. Gather as many women as you can, establish a new community and, well… the human race must live on.

That’s it for this week. Check back next Saturday as that is when we put up our new posts… unless the Zombies come before then. If such is the case, follow my guide and I’ll see you when the smoke clears, as they say!

Feel free to comment below. This was meant to be an interactive site, as much as I love the sound of my own voice. It will ask for your e-mail but it will not be shown to anyone, including me. You can also sign up to get this blog via e-mail at the top of the page. And, as always, if you like this site, TELL A FRIEND!

45 Responses to “HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE”

  1. Ryan Tucker Says:

    Hey you know what, that shit could happen at any moment. With all the crap the government hides as far as their experiments, you never know.

  2. Back off girls, he’s all mine!!! i don’t know how this makes me feel..partly confident in my survival, (i mean, WOW, you are very thorough)..and partly concerned…cause, i mean, WOW, you are very thorough!!

    • Ryan Tucker Says:

      Why does that make you concerned? Why are you telling these “girls” to back off? lol He’s just simply explaining the process of what should be done, not what he’d do…

      • I’m merely saying that he has a lot of time on his hands and his survival has been VERY well thought out! Okay, enough sugar coating, he is a big Geek, and I don’t think that women find this stuff very attractive. Plus, I am sad to say, that if Chloe or I get bit, I have no doubt we would get a bullet to the head. No, seriously, I flat out asked, he flat out told me!!

    • Ryan Tucker Says:

      Well, if it makes you feel any better, if Nick got bit, I’d probably shoot him as well…. lol

  3. loudogfotog Says:

    Hey, great site.
    other than the end of the Zach Snyder “Dawn of the Dead” remake, where they finally make it to the boat. Then make it to unspecific island to more zombies (for no given reason).
    I can’t think of any other reference to a boat/ocean get away in a zombie movie. Is it too difficult a subject to breach, in order to keep the plot moving? What are your thoughts?

    -loudogfotog

    • This is going to sound like I take this very serious, which I don’t of course… I just love geeking out over Zombie scenarios. Still, I’ll give you my honest answer. First off, this post ran a little long so I had to trim it but my first suggestion along with GET HOME! would’ve been to get to a boat. A boat is ideal since it isolates you from the problem. Unfortunately, it also isolates you from any supplies and weapons you might need access to though. However, if a boat is well stocked you could use it to get away from the pandemoneum and head up or down coast for an unpopulated area like a forest or island. Second, I love Snyder’s Dawn! And I will say that although he implies that they died, you don’t actually see it so, I like to think they got away! The problem with islands is they are great if they are unpopulated. In a Zombie attack, you don’t jump in a boat and head for Catalina or the Florida Keys. That’s the problem I have with Snyder’s film… although lack of food and gas kind of forced their hand!

  4. I have been recently thinking about a weapon that is like a reverse mouse trap but the same size…you get close enough to a “zead head”, then you shove this sucker in his mouth, annnd snap!…no lower jaw, no biting:)

    Also have some ponderings about the lifespan of a zombie and some very avoided questions of the genre:

    http://goseetalk.com/2009/10/02/random-film-thought-of-the-day-10-02-09/

    Love to hear your thoughts Kai:)

  5. [...] Another thing that never get answered is, how long will zombies live? What length of time does it take for a Zombie to deteriorate? That’s what I’d like to know if I had to wait out a Zombie Apocalypse. 28 Days Later hinted at the fact those infected with “the Rage” would, in fact,run out of gas and then die. Also Snyder’s remake showed a progression of Zombies. Seems like they’d eventually fall apart after a decent amount of time. So how long is that?? (Until that’s answered, have a look a great post our friend Kai has written on How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse) [...]

  6. I always envisioned during the Z Apoclypse I would go and fortify the rooftop of the local semiconductor manufacturer. It’s high up, plenty of escape routes, you could build a small city on just the rooftops. (also has massive backup power generators/storage (with minimal electrical use would last a long time).

    I would start by, closing off all roof access doors and setting up several roll-up escape ladders in various areas of the rooftop. Then, wire up a bypass to the generators, build a small shelter and follow it up with a small greenhouse. Anyone who wants to join my “eden” would only be admited after a very intrusive physical.

    Eventually I would hope to move into the buildings, the facility is mostly clean room/fab buildings (think triple firewalled interiors) and it’s gated and quite a secure compound. With strict rules and a very thorough sweep of all the buildings I’m betting it would be better than even a military base.

  7. I accidentally deleted a comment by a reader for this post. Since I never edit, I’ll tell you what he said which was essentially that I plagiarized Max Brooks. Just so we’re clear, Max Brooks is noted in the tags for this post as is his book, Romero and many other contributors to the genre. In all fairness, this is no more a plagiarize of Brooks’ book than his book was of Romero’s films!

  8. Have you read the comic book series ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction?
    Basically, the government creates a group of zombies to send into the Middle East to take care of business. Unfortunately (and predictably), things go wrong and the head zombie starts killing the wrong people. A military faction has to go in and figure out how to take him out. It’s really awesome and it was optioned for a movie adaptation last year. This is a great post. I hadn’t considered avoiding large groups of people. I think I’d probably stay with the groups with a ill-advised “strength in numbers” mentality.

    Thanks for participating in the My Best Post Blog-a-Thon. Your link (and some nice words from me) will be posted on Friday. Please take some time to comment on some other people’s posts who’s participated.

    Thanks,
    Gringo
    He-Shot-Cyrus.blogspot.com

    • @ Cyrus: No I ahven’t read that but would love to check that out. I love when government auses it’s own downfall! Thanks to you, sir! :)

  9. Okay, I love this and all, because, y’know, zombies, but I take issue with several things:

    You should not fortify/stay home. You know why? You’ll get tired and hungry. Zombies will only get hungry.

    On that note, you must keep moving, small amount of people is, indeed, best, but for god’s sake, DO NOT leave the city. At least during the initial outbreak? Why? you may ask. Because literally EVERYBODY ELSE is doing the exact same thing. And, see, what happens when there’s lots of people on the highway out of the same city? Traffic jams. AKA Zombie Buffet. Wait until the crowd thins a bit before leaving.

    The armed forces won’t do anything. They’re the armed forces. Literally, guys given guns and left to their own devices. I guarentee ya’ll, they will not band together to help you out, they will dissolve into canibalism. Or something.

    Why bother with repopulation? If most of the human race is extinct, and there are flesh-eatin’ thangs running around like a bunch of asshole, would you really want to bring a kid into that shit? Think of the children!

    Other than that, bravo, good sir.

    • I said do not leave the city because you will die on major highways and try to move in unpopulated areas… that’s like the same thing Ripley!
      You MUST fortify and plan before making a move!
      And… the human race must go on… imagine that spoken to the Celine Dion song!
      Thanks for checking out the back catalogue, Rips! ;)

  10. I’m not exactly a fan of the zombie genre, though I did enjoy a couple of ‘em (Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days Later). But I had to comment on that hilarious construction sign photo, it had me in stitches when I first saw it a year ago or so. Those darn hackers! :)

  11. sarahnsh Says:

    Love this whole Zombie scenario, I think if you holed out in some sort of metal factory or something like that that may be a good idea… You know, lead the Zombies to the metal making area, jump to the side, watch them trip over each other and fall into the molten lava stuff. So, I’d maybe add factories too to the mix of places to fortify against the Zombie invasion.

  12. [...] is going to appear on Zombie World. So stay tunned. And Talking about zombies check this out: How to survive a zombie apocalypse, [...]

  13. you know, there is something that bothers me, if a zombie bite infects you, what about the zombie blood?, it should be more infectious, so a short weapon like knifes or swords should be out of the question…

    Very good guide, thanks.
    I put a link on my blog to this article.

    • Thanks for checking us out, Cesar… and for the link. Romero’s newest film suggests the blood is contageous if ingested… I would liken it to a virus like AIDS… contact with the blood not dangerous but ingestion or exposure to an open wound could transfer the virus… so stay covered if using hand to hand tools…. boy that sounded serious! :)

  14. i dont think that fire is a good idea .
    the zombie would only die within 10/15 or maybe 20 minutes .
    till then it has already bit you.am i right?

  15. Miguel Rodrigues Says:

    Great tutorial!

    So… when it hapens wheres what i’ll try to do..

    1º – i sincerely would prefer to pass by that situation without my family, because the simple fact that the could turn and i had to kill them…

    2º – i would start by gatering some suplies and amo, when the situation got out of hands and it was really the end of the human race, i would go to the shopping mall, i know the place and i could easily baricade it, i and others survivels would had plenty of food for years, and good acomodation.

    3º – we would sleep and pass the time on a even more fortified position just in case… there would always be someone on the rooftops to signal a heli or a plane, and when we had to go and get more suplies to the rest of the mall, we would always be armed and ready for action.

    4º – i would never thing of repopulation simply because… the child would born in a zombie world?! but even more because, simply there wouldn’t be zombies just on the city, but in the wolle world.

    5º – i case of something gone wrong, and i’m the only one left i would look for others survivers and try to survive… if i was really the only one left i would do 2 things…

    1º i would go rambo, try to kill as many mother fuc**** zombies as i could, i would make some bombs… burn them… etc..

    2º when id ran out of bullets… i would killed my self, but never letting the zombies have me….

    …. thats what i would do….
    But i rader having a normal live and die with 120 years having an orgasm… =P

    PS: sorry the bad spelling…..

  16. Robert Jackson Says:

    I would go to an open field, bring a chaingun with 100000 rounds of ammo, and kill every motherfucker who gets in my way. aka i go RAMBO!!!!!!
    Then when i run out of ammo, i pull out a minigun and repeat the proces, then i would use my knife when i ran out of ammo. by then i would have single handidly saved the plant.
    P.s. i would eat the zombies for food.

  17. That’s a good solution!, it’s better to become a zombie by eaten some of them that to be eaten by them… mmm…

  18. I think knowing what to do in a zombie apocalypse is very attractive

  19. Hi! I really like your thoughts on what to do in case of a Zombie Apocalypse! I completely think that an outbreak could happen at any time, and want to be as prepared as I can. So, thank you for informing us on these helpful tips.
    Onto chapter 2!

  20. what about when the weapons run out or are no longer useful to have?

  21. I have to say, this was an imensely helpful tutorial. And I have this theory that this “end of the world” scenario in 2012 will actually be a zombie apocalypse. So, we’re all a lot closer than one might think!!

  22. I say that you should get a fuel truck, fill it, find a place in the country thats open (where you can see for miles) Then gather generators….. While you are doing this gather lots of guns and ammo…. Stock up on can goods and other long shelf life foods. The more ppl, the more can be collected. Use the land as a natural barricade i.e. dig a huge mote with construction equip. Modify trucks with high hp to deal with mobs on supply runs (snow plows, ramming cages). And gather foods you can farm and animals once you have a well stocked and secured compound, just wait it out…. They will deteriorate in time…

    • If you need a compound, why not just go to a prison or something. All ready defended. Your plan is solid but will require alot of work you may not have time for. I’ve also considered tyhe idea of a mote… but honestly if they continue to walk into it they could just fill it with bodies to the point where they could just walk right across. Food for thought.

  23. Well I think building one would be safer than trying to clear one out…. Undead tenents get grumpy about the whole eviction process…. And the bodies in the mote well…. thats when you guys grab your flame throwers and get to work. The bodies have to be burned anyway right??

  24. Well i agree but when you have to leave and you have destroyed the stairs and sealed the only ways out how do you escape?

  25. what if it was an airborne disease then wouldn’t we all be screwed even if it got on our skin

  26. JSMITTY Says:

    if it was an airborn desease that got on our skin we would all be screwed ………………………unless we had hazmat suites duh it wouldent slow us down tht much except to put it on. pluse it would be hard for them to bite/tear , all youed half to do is protect the glass by your face to you can see and it wont break

  27. Okay here we go. This is my honest opinion. Now we all have watched at least part of a zombie movie before right? Well I think this might actually happen. Yea we all thought the movies were fake but the infections can cause this to happen. So if you don’t think this will really happen then you will be the first to go! So have fun.

  28. ahhhhhhhhhh, the zombies are going to kill us! :)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 70 other followers

%d bloggers like this: