HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
I’m sorry, my friends, but it is once again necessary for me to use this platform as a means of performing a public service. If there’s one thing hobos with signs in Hollywood movies have taught me it’s that THE END IS NEAR! How will it come? Asteroids, solar flares, biological terrorism, global deterioration, an act of God, Kanye West… these are all probable. However, I think we can all agree that our most imminent threat is that the undead will return to life and begin to feast on the flesh of the living. A.K.A. ZOMBIES!!!
Before I continue, I think you should know what my qualifications on this subject are. First off, I’ve seen just about every Zombie movie ever made (I’ve seen Dawn of the Dead 30 times alone), I read The Walking Dead, I own a red plaid shirt (that one’s for the Fanboys), I’ve read all the Marvel Zombies books, including the Army of Darkness crossovers, I once saw Simon Pegg (star of Shaun of the Dead) from 30 feet away at a bar in L.A., I’ve played Resident Evil and Left 4 Dead Parts 1 & 2, and I once woke up next to a young lady that, I swear to this day, looked herself to be one of the undead. What a night that was! Oh, and I am currently working on my AA at a local community college. Go Eagles! Needless to say, my credentials are impecable. But I am not the first to bring light to these urgent matters. I am merely adding bricks and mortar to a foundation put in place by the likes of George A. Romero, Max Brooks, Danny Boyle and many others. Now that credit has been given, let’s set the stage.
A Zombie situation can break out at any point in time. There’s no way of pinpointing where you’ll be or what you’re situation will be like. For our intents and purposes here, let’s assume reports are flooding in that the towns and cities surrounding your’s are being overrun by the undead. The threat is imminent and it’s only a matter of time before it makes it’s way to you. With that established, I present you with tips on HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.
1. KNOW YOUR ENEMY. Many things can cause people to become Zombies… a virus brought to Earth by astronauts, VooDoo, government testing. Regardless of the cause, all Zombies share certain characteristics. This we know from the few documented cases of Zombie outbreaks and it is something that you must know in order to survive. First off, Zombies are not human. They cannot be reasoned with and will not stop unless killed. Second, Zombies only want one thing… flesh! Third, infections are spread through bites so avoiding contact with a Zombie’s mouth is of the utmost importance. Finally, there’s only one way to kill a Zombie… damage to the brain. There are many ways to accomplish this as we’ll discuss later but first thing’s first…
2. FIND SHELTER. The next two words I cannot stress enough: Get Home! The majority of the masses will do one of two very stupid things. Most will take to the roads in an attempt to get out of the infected areas. It is too late for that. It is only a matter of time until there are even a very few mildly safe places to escape to. Traffic and congestion will be worse than it’s ever been. Panic will lead to accidents that will clog or bottleneck all roads. You’ll be stuck like a sitting duck. The rest of the majority will turn to what they view as safe havens like churches, schools, military bases and the like. This is a bad idea (See #3). This is the time to get safe and wait out the pandemonium. Get the ones you love, and maybe a few that you trust, and get to your home as quick as possible.
3. AVOID LARGE GROUPS OF PEOPLE. After being bitten, a person can go anywhere from seconds to hours (a day in a few rare documented cases) before completely turning, depending on the depth of the bite and it’s proximity to major arteries. In this hybernational stage, the victim can blend into groups as they seek out help. When they turn, all around them are potential for danger as an attack can lead to a new outbreak where thousands of people can become infected, even turn, within less than 30 minutes time. So, avoid people, get home and…
4. FORTIFY. Begin fortifying any possible entries into your home as soon as possible. Zombies are like insects… if there’s a way in, they’ll find it. So, be thorough but be quick. Barricading and boarding of entry points are the most popular routes to follow. Welding is suggested when applicable and available. In apartment buildings, these rules apply to main entries, windows and fire exits. Don’t try and be a perfectionist. Chances are Zombies will break through your first defenses. This is just a deterrent to buy time and allow you to prepare for the next 2 steps. Starting with…
5. TAKE INVENTORY. We will need to get together the items we need. Since time is of the essence collect items according to priority. Food and water are of the utmost importance. The body can go much longer without food than water. It’s been said that, unmanned, utilities can continue to run for some time. I’d hate to be in the middle of a Zombie apocalypse and find out this is false. So, begin by filling your bath tub with water. Followed by anything that can hold water as we have no way of knowing how long we will be holed up. Next, gather any food you can. Canned and pantry style foods are much better as they will not spoil. Once these are gathered, you may return for perishables, which should be eaten first before they spoil. Next, gather anything that can be used for defense. We’ll talk about weapons shortly. At this point, warm clothes, pillows and blankets would be the next logical step. Finally, any must have keepsakes, books and board games. While the Zombies are killing people, we will need to kill time. Be sparing with this last step as we want to move as light and quick as possible. And where do we take these items?
6. YOUR FORTRESS. Your fortress is basically like your panic room, where you and your group will hole up to wait out the melee. Note: If you actually have a panic room, use it! For those of you who live in two story homes or apartment buildings, move to the second story and barricade or destroy all staircases. You can move to a higher level but this could prove disastrous in an emergency if you need to get out. Most can sustain the fall from a second, possibly even third, story. If you live in a single story home, it is strongly recommended that you move to the attic and pull up the ladder. These aren’t the most comfortable accomodations but are the best for what you are trying to accomplish. In case of fire, or Zombie’s getting in, use something to puncture a hole through the roof for an emergency exit. Avoid places like basements and garages where you could get stuck with your back against the wall or attacked from both sides.
7. WEAPONS. Time to assemble your arsenal. Remember that almost anything can be used as a weapon. A metal lamp or simple tchotchkes can be used to bash in the head of the undead. Pens, screwdrivers or a broken broomstick can be jammed in the temple or through the eye socket for the same result. Guns are the most popular form of defense. However, with guns comes noise, which can attract large groups of roamers. So, use these sparingly. Shotguns are what most people will look for first as they have a large range for damage and take little skill to use effectively. However, I would advise against them as they need to be reloaded too frequently. The rifle is the best gun for plucking off Zombies long range if a large group is headed your way and you need to thin the numbers. Typical handguns, with 12+ round clips are probably your best choice. The are easier to handle, especially in tight scraps, reloading is quick and easy and the butt can be used for headbashing. Knives, swords, crowbars and small pipes are the best weapons to have on you at all times. Their damage capability and manueverability are unparralleled. They also allow for a silent kill which is important when trying to keep a low profile. Fire and Maltoff Cocktails are also an acceptable means of defense. However, they do not provide an instant kill and should never be used near your fortress. Also, if you do have access to a gun, always set aside one bullet for each member of your group… just in case!
8. PROTECT YOUR BODY. Remember… infection is spread through bites. Make sure you always wear multiple layers. Armor such as kevlar or gladiator, even a shark bite mesh, is preferable. Be careful that these protect you but do not limit your mobility, as fighting the Zombie off will ultimately be your only means of escape. Do whatever you can to protect your skin from being punctured.
9. DEVISE A PLAN. If you survive long enough, you are bound to run out of food and water. Hopefully, the armed forces will have the situation contained before it comes to this but, in the event that they don’t, it’s important to have a plan. You may need to find long term accomodations and rations. Regardless of what Hollywood has told you, avoid places like the mall that have too many entry points to securely and safely defend. Focus on stone/ brick buildings with minimal points of entry… something like a Costco. Prisons are nice as they are highly fortified and typically stocked full of food, water and artillery. Making your way out to places like the forest can also be a good idea. The forest offers nature’s fruits, running streams, animals that can sense pending danger and little to no human population. When you make your move, be smart, be quick and take the path of least resistance, avoiding clusters of people, alive or dead, at all costs.
10. CHECK EMOTION AT THE DOOR. If someone is bitten by a Zombie say in the arm, it was once believed that chopping off the arm could prevent the infection from spreading. Unfortunately, the heart pumps blood so fast through the body that the blow would have to be almost instantaneous. Since, dispersal of the attacking Zombie is top priority, this will no doubt prove impossible. If someone in your group is bitten… be it your mother, sister, daughter, husband, priest… they must be disposed of quickly. There is no saving them. It’s only a matter of time before they turn and want one thing… YOU… for dinner. You can be nice about it. Do it Of Mice and Men style as you tell them about the bunnies if you have to… but do it. And quickly.
11. REGROUP AND REPLENISH. Now comes the fun part. Gather as many women as you can, establish a new community and, well… the human race must live on.
That’s it for this week. Check back next Saturday as that is when we put up our new posts… unless the Zombies come before then. If such is the case, follow my guide and I’ll see you when the smoke clears, as they say!
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