MOVIE CLICHÉS

I feel like having fun this week so let’s talk about something fun: Movie Clichés! Some people were given extraordinary talents in life. Unfortunately, I was given the ability to guess how entire movies will end within the first 30 minutes of sitting down to watch them. I have managed to annoy many people with this talent. Others, like my brother-in-law Nate, I have passed this ability on to so that they can annoy themselves. How do I do it? The fact that I have an unusually high IQ and am full to the brim with common sense doesn’t hurt. But, the fact of the matter is, I just watch a hell of a lot of movies! When you do this, you find that most films follow the same conventions and plot techniques… making predictions fairly simple. That’s why when a film like The Sixth Sense comes along it is truly enjoyable to watch because it plays on these conventions and techniques. Sadly, these films are far and few between. Most follow the industry standard. Many of these are comical because of just how often they are used. So, for your enjoyment, I present you this week’s list of some the most often used MOVIE CLICHÉS.

HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

I’m sorry, my friends, but it is once again necessary for me to use this platform as a means of performing a public service. If there’s one thing hobos with signs in Hollywood movies have taught me it’s that THE END IS NEAR! How will it come? Asteroids, solar flares, biological terrorism, global deterioration, an act of God, Kanye West… these are all probable. However, I think we can all agree that our most imminent threat is that the undead will return to life and begin to feast on the flesh of the living. A.K.A. ZOMBIES!!!

Before I continue, I think you should know what my qualifications on this subject are. First off, I’ve seen just about every Zombie movie ever made (I’ve seen Dawn of the Dead 30 times alone), I read The Walking Dead, I own a red plaid shirt (that one’s for the Fanboys), I’ve read all the Marvel Zombies books, including the Army of Darkness crossovers, I once saw Simon Pegg (star of Shaun of the Dead) from 30 feet away at a bar in L.A., I’ve played Resident Evil and Left 4 Dead Parts 1 & 2, and I once woke up next to a young lady that, I swear to this day, looked herself to be one of the undead. What a night that was! Oh, and I am currently working on my AA at a local community college. Go Eagles! Needless to say, my credentials are impecable. But I am not the first to bring light to these urgent matters. I am merely adding bricks and mortar to a foundation put in place by the likes of George A. Romero, Max Brooks, Danny Boyle and many others. Now that credit has been given, let’s set the stage.

A Zombie situation can break out at any point in time. There’s no way of pinpointing where you’ll be or what you’re situation will be like. For our intents and purposes here, let’s assume reports are flooding in that the towns and cities surrounding your’s are being overrun by the undead. The threat is imminent and it’s only a matter of time before it makes it’s way to you. With that established, I present you with tips on HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.

THE THREESOME GAME

In the immortal words of Jigsaw: I want to play a game. Better yet, I want to teach you all a game. A game I developed a few years back that I have no doubt will be sweeping the nation shortly. Sadly, we’ll have to leave the world of Movies behind but we’ll stay close in the world of Celebrity.

This brain-child of mine was born out of my boredom for a game couples have been playing for years that shares a name with everyone’s favorite blog: THE LIST. The List, as I’m sure you know, is a game where partners keep an imaginary list of 3 to 5 celebrities in their proverbial back pocket. Should one of the devoted have the opportunity to have a chance encounter with one of the celebrities on their list, their better half would be forced to give them a pass (usually given because there’s no way in hell it could ever really happen). Not only did I feel this game needed an update, I was also concerned because my wife is very attractive and should she run into Jared Leto at a 30 Seconds To Mars show, after a few Jack & Cokes… who knows? I love my wife. And, let’s be honest, there’s no going back from Jared to me. No matter how funny, charming and great at writing I may be. So, I’m making the game a bit more difficult by introducing THE THREESOME GAME. Here’s how it came to fruition…

What is every man’s fantasy? Simple, a threesome. What is every man’s ultimate threesome? Even simpler… TWINS! However, upon deeper thought, I realized that twins would be like doing the same thing twice. What would be better was two woman who could pass as twins, yet maintain subtle differences. Things unique to themselves. Like two Pale Ales from different brewers. Each the same drink, nearly indistinguishable, just slightly different. So, we use the world of celebrities and I introduce you to a new game… THE THREESOME GAME.

This is really just a way to gawk at how eerily similar some celebrities look to one another. It’s just funner when you put a sexual connotation on it. I’ve put together a list for the guys and girls out there. Enjoy!

FOR THE FELLAS:

5. ZOOEY DESCHANEL & KATY PERRY.

PONDERABLES

I’ve had some senseless questions on my mind this week! Though I prefer to think of them as Ponderables. I thought I’d pose them to you all and maybe we can figure them out. Here they are, in no particular order: 

PEOPLE WE CAN DO WITHOUT

This week’s list is an excerpt from a book I’ve been working on. The premise is simple…

The world is overpopulated. And people show no sign of wanting to let up on the fornicating. The fact of the matter is, we’re running out of room. Sooner or later, we’ll be forced to make space. Naturally, the dictators, murderers, rapists, and Kenny G. fans will be the first to go. But what then? Here are my suggestions of more PEOPLE WE CAN DO WITHOUT.