This week’s list is an excerpt from a book I’ve been working on. The premise is simple…

The world is overpopulated. And people show no sign of wanting to let up on the fornicating. The fact of the matter is, we’re running out of room. Sooner or later, we’ll be forced to make space. Naturally, the dictators, murderers, rapists, and Kenny G. fans will be the first to go. But what then? Here are my suggestions of more PEOPLE WE CAN DO WITHOUT.

Here’s 10 to get you started:

1. PEOPLE WHO SAY: Guns don’t kill people, bullets kill people! Not if you throw them!

2. PEOPLE WHO SAY: Guns don’t kill people, people kill people! Exactly… people with guns.

3. CASHIERS THAT CALL ME “SIR”. Sir? SIR?!!! Sure, I’m getting hair in new places. Thanks for noticing! And the places that all ready had hair are growing in at alarming rates but COME ON! I’m 31, not 61. I probably went to high school with your older brother. And I don’t need this aggravation. You must go!

4. GUYS WHO SAY: Mr. So & So? Please, my father was Mr. So & So. Call me Frank! No… you call him Sir!

5. PEOPLE WHO SAY: I could tell you a thing or two about a thing or two. Two plus two, I mean, two times, wait… I can’t add that fast. Brain hurts! AAAAHHHHH, YOU MAKE THE LIST! (And, yes, people say that. And even if they don’t, it’s my blog and I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!!!)

6. THE INVENTOR OF THE FIRE ALARM. Let me get this straight… you designed an alarm that chirps continuously when the batteries are low until I change them. It’s 10pm, I’m in my pajamas nursing a 5 beer buzz and I’m out of 9-volts. What am I supposed to do? I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to take the batteries out and go to bed so I hope my house doesn’t catch on fire tonight. Couldn’t you have just put a light on the side or something?

7. BOSSES. Who’s with me? Sidenote: We here at THE LIST would like to take this opportunity to inform our daytime employers that we are not referring to you. Just everybody else’s boss. If only they could be as lucky as we are!!! 🙂

8. STARBUCKS NOVELISTS. This just in: Writing in a coffee-house will not make your crappy screenplay any better. Believe me, I’ve tried. Not to mention, I’m picking up a 13 drink order for my office and I want to sit down but you guys, and your laptops, are TAKING UP ALL THE SEATS!!!

9. STARBUCKS ENTHUSIASTS. Hey, I love Starbucks as much as the next guy but if the description of what you want to drink takes up more than 1/2 a page of college ruled paper… come on! Look, the line is all ready out the door and I’ve got to be to work in 15 minutes. Just order a latte and call it a day, will ya? EXCEPTION: My dear friend, Debbie R., who was the inspiration for #9. She’s the salt of the Earth and we need more like her so, she will be granted clemency!

10. LINE-SIGHERS. Okay, not only will sighing in the middle of a long line not make the line move any faster, it may cause me to slap you up the side of your big dumb head. Or, worse yet, get you on my list. I mean, come on, man, we’re all sighing with disgust. Normal people just do it on the inside! 

Stayed tuned for #11 to #15.

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  1. This is the shiiitttt bro!!!!!!!!!!!!!! …this is perfect for you and your personallty. Cause what spills out of you is almost allways worth hearing(or in this case reading) at least twice! I’m going to hire Micah to make this blog a computer virus so the world will here the way its soppose to think about the word “sir” and the action of “signing” in a line like that will help the highschool drop out at the cash counter think and move faster!!!!!! So as you can tell ….I say “KEEP IT COMENN” !

  2. Sir, let me tell you a thing or two about your list. I like it. I’m looking forward to more. And how did a little company become so big by convincing people they will be happy paying four -fifty for a cup of coffee?

  3. Love the fire alarm one. So true. My last house had the fire alarms at the top of my vaulted ceiling, once the batteries went out ( at 2 am with a sleeping newborn in the room) they were never replaced because we could’t reach them after we knocked down the unit with a broom and broke the whole thing. Come on who has a 20 foot ladder when they don’t even have a garage? Thank God my house never caught on fire!

    Can’t wait to hear more from you Kai!


  4. Love the site bro, gonna netflix some of those films.

    Great Work, I will be looking at this.

    thanks !

  5. venti non fat white mocha no whip with an extra shot…sorry, i AM one of those!!

    p.s. i mean, who has 9 volts handy, honestly…except when i use my walkie talkies!!

  6. I’m a line sigher. Sorry. I’d rather do without Facebook Freakos who have to update everyone every 5 minutes with their latest story about how their dog just took a pee, or their favorite team just scored. Bore me to tears— I’ve “ignored” a ton of people because of that.
    You are very witty. I laughed out loud several times. Keep it up. Figure out a way to charge people and make yourself some $$$!!!

  7. Ok – Bigelow is gonna get it not Quentin, but we can argue later. Are you kidding me? Let’s see what happens but I think you’re wrong on this one. But I still love your blog!

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