PONDERABLES

I’ve had some senseless questions on my mind this week! Though I prefer to think of them as Ponderables. I thought I’d pose them to you all and maybe we can figure them out. Here they are, in no particular order: 1. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? First off, who says I want to get to the center. Maybe I’m a fan of the hard candy shell. Secondly, does anybody really lick a Tootsie Pop? How silly would that look? I don’t know about you but I suck on mine. My next thought was that there’s no one answer. It’s going to take different people a different amount of licks. I mean, I have horrible dental genetics. I have to get that thing really soft before I try to break through otherwise I’ll break a tooth. To tell you the truth, one lolly is an undertaking for me. I have to make sure I have the time before I even start. My wife has a perfect smile with these great big healthy white teeth. Seriously, they’re like the size of Chiclets. She wouldn’t even have to suck on it. She could just take off the wrapper and annihilate that thing. And, finally, who cares? I’ll tell you who… that stupid owl from the commercials. What’s his agenda anyway? Why does he want to see me lick a Tootsie Pop so bad? Is it some kind of sexual perversion? Hoot, Hoot! 

2. HOW MUCH DOPE DID THE DOPE DEALER DEAL WHEN THE DOPE DEALER DID DEAL DOPE? Say that 10 times fast! My guess is a lot. Those drug dealers are nothing if not tenacious. I’m mainly curious about this one because I gave up on the Peter Piper mystery. After all, what the hell is a peck of pickled peppers? A peck? Come on, that’s not a real thing. You made that up… right? 

3. WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH OLIVE OYL? Not the cooking oil. We’ll deal with that another time. I’m talking about the cartoon. At what point does Popeye just get fed up with all the drama? I mean, how many times do you have to prove yourself to someone. At some point, I’d be like: Look! If you want to be with Bluto, be with Bluto! I’ve kicked this guy’s ass like 800 times in your honor. What do you want from me? And what if Popeye didn’t get to the store that day and doesn’t have his spinach? He would get his ass kicked and she’d leave with Bluto. That’s not cool, man. Popeye, you can do better. Besides, you need to think about your child, big guy. Did you ever stop to think about the kind of effect this is having on Sweet Pea? It’s bad enough you’re a sailor, which means you’re a borderline absentee parent, what with all the time out to sea. Between that and all the fighting, you’re bound to end up on Child Services’ radar. Watch your back! 

4. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO LEAVE THE LID DOWN? This one aggravates me. I mean, why don’t women have to leave the lid up? You know why? Because men look before they pee… and if women can’t take an extra second to look and see that the lid is down, thus ensuring they don’t get a booty bath in ice-cold toilet water, then there are obviously much larger issues that need to be addressed than this one. As far as I’m concerned, when it comes to bathrooms, it’s every man (and woman) for themselves. Enter at your own risk!!! 

5. IS A SNEEZE A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE? Somebody once told me that when you sneeze all the functions in your body essentially shut down for that one brief instant. So, in that instant, you essentially die until your body reboots. So, since I have allergies, can I tell people I’ve had multiple near-death experiences? Because that would be so cool to start conversations at parties and other casual get-togethers. Also, if it is, how come when I sneeze I never see a great white light and my loved ones beckoning me towards them as I’m overcome with an overwhelming feeling of warmth. Is that a bad sign? Am I headed the other way? That would be unfortunate. Also, if sneezing is not considered a near death experience, I want to know why? Is there a time limit? Do you have to be under for more than a minute? What do people who were dead for 59 seconds say? Do paddles and somebody yelling CLEAR! need to be involved? 

Feel free to comment below. Your thoughts are always welcome. Stay tuned for my next post coming to an internet near you!!!