TOP 10 MADE-UP MOVIE PRODUCTS
Tag Team back again. Check it, direct it, let’s begin. That’s right, folks, Heather and I are back yet again to tag team another Top 10… and we have every intention of making it our bitch. So, without further ado, we present our Top 10 Made-Up Movie Products.
HEATHER’S TOP 5:
SEX PANTHER from ANCHORMAN.
It’s made by Odeon, and made with bits of real panther, used by Brian Fantana to seduce Veronica Conrningstone, and it’s illegal in nine countries. Some have even said it smells like Bigfoot’s dick. Anchorman really exploited this lovely product in a way that exhausted the films humor until Steve Carell uttered, “I love lamp.” I suggest you give Sex Panther a try, but only if you dare.
SOUL GLOW from COMING TO AMERICA.
To go with your fantastical smell to attract a mate, you need some seductive, wet, hot, and attractive hair. I may not have an Afro or Jerry curl, but when I run Soul Glow threw my hair I feel like I got got soul baby. Coming To America brilliantly introduced this product via Eric LaSalle and it’s not up for debate that the jingle is probably the best part:
Just let your soooouuuuul glow baby
feeling oh so silky smooth
Just let it shine through yeah
Just let your soooouuuul glow oooo
KaBOOM CEREAL from KILL BILL.
What better way to hide your gun than in a cereal box entitled: “Ka Boom”. Kill Bill Vol. 1 started with that epic fight between Vernita Green and The Bride in her kitchen and while it seemed The Bride and Vernita have agreed to postpone the rest of their till the death battle until later because of the arrival of Vernita’s daughter, it’s no surprise the sneaky former assassin plays dirty. In the cereal box KaBoom there is just another piece of fun in the movie world. Sheesh, sounds like a regular Wednesday afternoon to me.
PAPER STREET SOAP COMPANY from FIGHT CLUB.
Tyler Durden could run for president and I might just vote, so it’s no surprise he sold me a lifetime supply of Paper Street Soap. If you decide to purchase some yourself, it shouldn’t be difficult to find, but hey, if you want to make your own soap to compete with Durden’s, here are your ingredients:
11.2 ounces of lye. (I use Red Devil brand, you can get this in the drain opener section of your supermarket)
32 ounces of water
1 Pound of olive oil (any type will do, the cheaper the better)
3 Pounds of lard (liposuction clinic)
1 Pound of Coconut Oil (76 degree)
1.4 ounces of Soap Crafters Fragrance
However, if you remember Tyler Durden and how he actually acquired the supplies, it might be easier to just make a purchase to get yourself all shiny and new, which ever one of you that may be. *wink*
FRUITY OAT BARS from SERENITY.
So it’s afternoon and I’ve already eaten some KaBoom cereal and if Kai and I have been hanging out we’ve been smoking some Tarantino Red Apple cigarettes as well. [KAI AGREES!] But it’s time for a snack and what better than the Fruity Oaty Bars from the film Serenity. At it’s absolute worse, it’s possible it may trigger my inner assassin and I’ll go all ninja on whomever Kai throws in my path. I hope someone knows a word that will send me to sleep.
FUN FACT: The safeword phrase that Simon uses to shut River down, “Eta kuram na smekh”, is a Russian expression (“Это курам на смех”). Literally, it means, “That’s for chickens to laugh at” — a Russian idiom for “That’s ridiculous”.
KAI’S TOP 5:
DAPPER DAN’S POMADE from O, BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?
As much as I love a good Jerry Curl, I prefer a slicker look myself. I mean, when I’m headed out for a night on the town (in a movie), I want to look good. Who doesn’t? That’s why I use Dapper Dan’s Pomade. Not only is it cheap but it smells good too!
SCHNITZENGIGGLE BEER from BEERFEST.
And what am I going to do on my night out? Have a drink of course! And the only movie brew I drink is Schnitzengiggle beer. How good is it? Well, upon tasting it for the first time in the film the characters reply:
Barry: I want to put my dick in it.
Fink: I want it to put it’s dick in me!
Now that’s a glowing testimony. Top that Sam Jackson beer!
RED APPLE CIGARETTES from EVERY TARANTINO MOVIE.
When I’m drinking, I like to puff the occasional cigarette… and nothing tastes smoother than Q.T.’s Red Apple cigarettes. Boy, Tarantino is great for this topic. Not to mention, it’s pretty cool to say: Can I get a pack of Red Apples?
Recommended by 4 out of 5 movie doctors!!!
MOOBY’S from THE VIEW ASKEW UNIVERSE.
After a night of drinking, I like to grab a bite to eat to help soak up all that Schnittzengiggle. What better than a Mooby burger? And if you say Big Kahuna I WILL give you a colonoscopy with my fist!
STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOWS from GHOSTBUSTERS.
When the night is coming to a close, and I’m heading home to my beautiful wife and wonderful kids… or back to the hotel with a hooker and some blow… I like to snuggle up next to the fire and make schmores. Stay Puft is my marshmallow of choice. Just remember, if anyone asks if you are a God you say YES!!!
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